At long last arriving by the roadside, down the hill from the ruined castle, Vamprella rendezvous with a van sporting a custom paint job proclaiming: 'The Amazing Pendragon'. Finally, they make good Vampirella's escape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As the van lurches and swerves across the rain soaked roadway, for the first time Vampirella, hastily buckling up, finally betrays mortal terror: Old Pendragon behind the wheel, and as ever already well inebriated, hits the liquid courage especially hard! In a thunder clap they catch glimpse of a dancing specter, set to pirouette En Pointe and caper like a satyr!

 

 

 

 

Vamparella finds herself awash in a flood of vivid  memories: Penelope was so cute when she was little, before her appetites turned to people and her idea of play became homicidal. Then she styled herself 'Spiderella.

 

 

'

 

A violent sneeze erupts from the back seat. Vampirella turns about: It is the old guard, miserable with the flue, shivering and wrapped in a blanket. Vampirella and Pendragon let him off at a roadside diner for a warm plate of soup. As Vampirella and Pendragon turn to exit the diner, he feebly attempts to return the borrowed blanket still wrapped about him, but they genially refuse. "Who are the pollinators of Eden?" Vampirella demands of him. "A rock group, maybe?" sneezes the guard. Pendragon shrugs.

Back in the van, Vampirella reflects upon her recent adventure, remembering the tiny family photo in the cameo of the miserably shackled chambermaid. In it, the woman stands with her husband and children. Sharply, Vampirella realizes that the husband is none other than Amfortas! Meanwhile, back in the ruins of the dungeon, a cry rings out: "He's alive!" Meanwhile in the van, a radio news flash announces that His Majesty Amfortas is in critical condition after the mysterious collapse of the castle. Back in the ruined dungeon, the Leather Nuns have called in their own corps of paramilitary paralegal paramedics. As his stretcher is lifted by crane, out from the ruined dungeon catacombs, Amfortas clings to life. His Queen, the much abused chambermaid is there, once again resplendent in the finery befitting her station, laying flat on the palatial marble floor, peering down into the fissure in the ground, shouting down to Amfortas, as the crane extricates his stretcher.

"The degradation! Can you ever forgive me?" rasps Amfortas. The acoustics are still remarkable. "He's dead? He's good and dead?" demands the Queen, in trepidation. "Vampirella did it! The demon of the pit is destroyed. The mad desperation of it's unholy thoughts no longer permeate the either. I am myself again and whole. The curse is lifted. But where are the children?" "We sent them away, remember? Itsy came back, and she has gone to bring Bey back home, even as we speak. And darling, don't apologize. It had to be real, but it worked. No one knew me for myself, me least of all. Karma's a bitch alright, but she lost my scent. My shadow has yet to catch up with me."  

b n

No sooner said, then a shot rings out! The Queen lies in a pool of her own blood. The Leather Nuns leap into action to treat and protect her.

Back in the van, Vampirella, flashing back to the bloodied hand of Amfortas brushing her cheek, now speaking of this with Pendragon, recollects out from the jumbled blur, with the help of nurse succubus -Spiderella! giving Amfortas a blood transfusion as she cradled him in her arms, regaling Amfortas with her exploits in the Himalayas, but then quickly and instinctively repressing the memory in order to guard it from Dracula as he arived. Amfortas had indeed seemed dead. His heart must have only stopped long enough to afford entry for Dracula and his minions.

Amfortas rests on a gurney on the surface, being made ready to be rushed to hospital. His neck is heavily bandaged and a Mimic Man TM appendage is immobilized, serving as a quick splint for a broken arm. The Queen, nursing bruised ribs, is pealed out from a Kevlar bullet proof vest taped over with punctured bags of stage gore. "Poppa!" announces a young girl beside the gurney of Amfortas. It is Itsy! "Momma!" Itsy rushes to embrace the Queen, who beaming, nevertheless motions her off because of the messy dripping stage gore and her bruised ribs. Turning back to Aphortas, Itsy speaks to him: "What a tragedy that brought us Vampirella the Redeemer. The scorching devastation of her beautiful home world!" "But Daddy," queries a little Bey, "if these Vampyri where so scientifically and technologically advanced, did they not foresee the danger from space, well before hand? Why did they not prepare and forestall such catastrophe?" "Politics, I imagine." muses Amfortas in reply. 

Meanwhile, nearby, Abrial speals with Adam, repeating what Leong Naja whispers to her, coiled and flattened like a great taper, under the her habit and matching poncho: "There will be eye witnesses having caught some fleeting glimpse of a receding shadow in flight from the crime scene. Ballistics will reveal the rifle, never reported missing, to be from the Queen's own registered fire arms collection." "So this is not an isolated incident." replies Adam. "Hardly."   

Vampirella and Pendragon continue their journeys together, subsisting from their travelling magic show, the same lack luster performance with the big finale of Vampirella turning into a bat! An audience member, the old guard, not so clueless after all! discretely uses his cell phone to video record their act, which soon turns up on YouTube, discovered online by dutiful Abrial and watched intently by Adam Van Helsing and the Leather Nuns, now in possession of Amfortas' powerful Mimic Man TM technology.

At the table sits a blind old man with a crystal ball, whom Adam addresses as Dad. It is the old guard, actually Conrad Van Helsing, the blind psychic father of Adam Van Helsing, who sees through the eyes of every person and animal nearby, even video feeds as well. Conrad Van Helsing is the head vampire hunter for the Leather Nuns, brooding in silence. Adam and Vampirella will meet again.

Cut to: Itsy still bearing Penny's body, is lost in a reverie of Penny, emerges from the forest into the cemetery adjoining the ruined Whispering Castle.

How noughty it felt to sneak off to raid the secret stash of Playboy Magazines and lingerie catalogues, that the boys all hid under their beds.

Background music: 'Peter Pan': 'I won't grow up." Flashback: Young Spiderella and Itsy run and play. Cut to: They have fallen into a heated argument. "The reason the neighbors are so cold to you, is that no one knows if your coming by to volunteer at the nursing home or to eat the family dog. -or the family. You can't be all that surprised. And you really need to stop getting stoned trying to kill your Mom!" complains Itsy. "I do what I want!" retorts Spiderella. "You're doing it for attention." "It works for me." "But it's not necessary! Vampirella is always there for you." "Always up my ass!" Insert edit: A man, shaken and bloody, covered in cobwebs, beholds Vampirella spanking Spiderealla, who cries out. Vampirella is infuriated and really waling on Spiderella! Cut back again: Itsy: "I don't know why I bother!" "Please, Itsy. You're my only bestest friend!" "Yeah, well it's not entirely unconditional. If you kill me, I'll never speak to you again." "Well, hardy har, har!"

Itsy breaks from shoveling, to continue chiseling the the epitaph on a great fieldstone. The music rises, concluding crescendo:

                       "I'll never grow up, not me!"             

At Itsy's feet, spiders swarm to climb up her legs! Itsy smiles, as the spiders, human featured, nestle on Itsy's shoulders.

On each shoulder, when she blinked, Itsy found a femlin princess! Itsy beheld their retinue congregating at her feet.

They were all so thrilled when Itsy wanted to take them home in her lantern. They were all so adorably tiny

Then one of the little femlins also wanted to go blond. "No, stay as you are. I will be dark and mysterious, like my little sister femlins." resolved Femlyn.      .  

Femlyn was lots of fun, quite a performer!

Femlyn finally managed a nice relaxing bubble bath...

"You better talk!" barked Femlyn in what she hoped was a commanding tone..

It must have been, because Itsy was frightened, and scolded Femlyn to behave!

]\

"

"But what were you doing out in the graveyard, Tiffany?" "Practicing my art." "In the kitchen, out from the refrigerator may be just for practice, but from a casket six foot under seems somewhat more in earnest, especially with no audience. No, Tiffany: You where digging out from your own grave! You are preparing to become a vampire. You are worse than my father the King! Both of you so hot for Vampirella. Oh, don't pout! But why the boots and gloves?" "Why, leathers to protect my arms and leg, of courses." "Naked?" "I didn't want to spoil my good cloths. And I never wear just any old rags."

"

"And the color of your hair?" With a flourish of prestidigitation Tiffany shook out her hair: It was fiber optic, and glistened in a rainbow of color! Tiffany became a flaming redhead and then a platinum blond. "Men are fickle. A gal's gotta be flexible."

Itsy laughed: "Everyone should have a bondage bunny of their very own!" "You should be thankful to the catgirls. They had the inspiration of playing soccer to sweat the venom out of your system more quickly." "I'm bushed." yawned Itsy, lying down in the couch, soon fast asleep. Tiffany tucked her in with a comforter.

The spidery femlins buzzed and tittered at Tiffany's feet, for the femlins all knew that Tiffany lied. "Shoo!!" she barked at them, and they scattered into the shadows and back into the woodwork, looking for more trouble, and always finding it:!

Zoom out: Amfortas and his Queen with their remaining retinue make themselves at home in great geodesic dome over the ruins of the Whispering Castle.

Amfortas is still haggard from his ordeal, and uses a cane. But his accustomed vigor returns, nigh miraculously.

 

v.o.: "The femlin looked on and beheld, as Her Majesty the Queen found herself hard pressed in labor renegotiations with the remaining staff, and wondered how long the Queen's trigger-happy shadow would thereby be exorcized." 

Cut to:

ESTABLISHING SHOT: The sign says: American Kindergarten. Inside, Lil' Princess Tutu, a darling little trick-or-treater costumed as Princess Tutu, demands in alarm: And what happened next? They are in a kindergarten all decorated for Halloween and filled with costumed little trick-or-treaters, listening to story time. With Vampirella sitting beside him, shooting him a warning glance, old Pendragon, pretending to read from a great tomb of a plushy Necronomicon, replies, pantomiming with Vampirella, now sporting thigh length high heeled wet look leather boots.

Well, um, falters Pendragon, looking to Vampirella for approval, then... the monster tickled poor Vampirella without mercy!

Cut to: Abrial bringing Chinese takeout to the Leather Nuns on vampire hinting surveillance stakeout, watching as Vamirella at curb side in front of the kindergarten, now garbed in a brief black leather jacket over her outfit, replete with fingerless driving gloves and 1970's vintage black SIDI Fullbore Motocross Motorcycle boots. With her superhuman strength, Vampirella effortlessly lowers a custom paintjob Harley Davidson motorcycle with of all things, a blunderbuss strapped to the side over her saddlebag, from a rack configured to the back of Pendragon's van, and makes ready to don a matching color schemed Thermahelm motorcycle helmet remodeled from the classic Tutankhamun Battlestar Galactica Colonial Viper Helmet. A relief of Vampirella's bat emblem, replaces the viper crest.

As Vampirella mounts her Harley, Lil' Princess Tutu saunters over with her trick-or-treat bag, and tugs on the cuff of Vampirella's boot: "How did you know those mean old spacemen where from Earth?" she queries.

Well, replies Vampirella, flashing back in dawning comprehension: "They told me, they shouted! swearing great oaths that Earth was their birthright, and indeed, when I took their ship from them, it brought me here from my dying planet, here to your Earth..."

"Kids say the damndest things!" remarks Pendragon.

"Mermaids! Mermaids are real! There have to be mermaids!" next blurts out little Princess Tutu. Vampirella flashes back to free diving amid the ruins. Scrutinizing and photographing the inscriptions, as she finds a mermaid at her back peering over her shoulder. Then Vampirella is startled to find herself surrounded by curious mermaids. The waters have suddenly filled with mermaids darting quickly in formation like great schools of fish! When one of them locks with Vampirella in a piercing gaze, Vampirella, flustered by the sudden intimacy, releases breath from her lungs in a great shimmering bubbles rising. Vampirellam beginning to drown, quickly reaches for the vial of oxygenated blood substetute in her boot. But her boots are neatly folded on the beach! Flustered, Vampirella remembers that the vial is now in her hair, but she fumbles and drops it open, to be swept away by the ocean currents. Vampirella quickly breaks free for the surface. End flashback.

"They wordlessly are profound and mysterious," Vampirella assures little Princess Tutu. "For such are the murky shadows the suffocating pressure of deep and cloying smother love. But I try not to judge them. Because in life, unless I take care, I can all to readily find myself on either end of similar Transactions." says Vampirella, flashing back to cradling the dying Amfortas.

"How do you keep your costume on, changing into a bat and back again?" queries Lil' Princess Tutu. "Spider silk memory fabric, elastic, versatile. durable and light weight." replies Vampirella. Tutu frowns at Vampirella, aseptically." "What?" demands Vampirella. "Cold, gentle cycle, with a little baby shampoo, and then conditioner in the rinse." "And?" "It clings to me like a living thing, because it is a living thing, of course." "It needs your blood!" oils Tutu, darkly. No sooner said than Vampirella's costume begins fading from vibrant crimson, into a blotched, mottled and sickly pallor. Vampirella summarily punctures her own palm with her long red nails, and discretely wipes the blood onto her costume. The crimson blood splatter quickly spreads, and the costume revives. "Not all the time!" protests Vampirella, feebly.

 

"Your jewelry?" "My jewelry is imaginary." snaps Vampirella. "Shapeshifting is too much of a distraction and I forget all about my jewelry."

 

"And those boots?"

 

Vampirella flashes back to a cobbler's shop. To the cobbler's astonishment, Vampirella, braless and pantiless in a filthy hospital scrubs, bleeding from bandages on her shoulder blades, is dragging in two great bloody stumped Giant bat wings on her tippy toes!

Cut to: Vampirella returning to the cobbler's shop wearing a waitress uniform, limping, tears streaming down her face. Vampirella removes and hurls away her flats shouting: "What kind of cruel fetish...?" Donning her new stiletto heeled calf boots to pirouette En Pointe and caper like a satyr, Vampirella adds in exuberance: "At last on this savage world, sensible foot wear!!" Vampirella's doctor is there, explaining to the astonished cobbler, and holding up Vampirella's x-ray slide: "See? They only look like feet. They're actually more like hooves."

The x-ray slide reveals the high heel ready little feet of a Barbie doll come to life!

Hesitant to make her new foot wear jealous, nevertheless, Vampi cannot resist trying on those comfy looking roman sandal hoofboots.

Back to the present: Lil' Princess Tutu insists: "Tell me about your boots!" Vampirella replies, flatly: "That's personal."

 

 

Adam in the surveillance van, exhausted, has dozed off, and dreams of Vampirella rising naked from her candle lit rose petal blood bath out on  a vast red alien tundra, anointing herself gory with the Gail! As Vampirella's lips, fangs and intent hypnotic gaze close in, Adam awakes with a start as Vampirella, loudly gunning the Harley's engine, rides off down the tranquil suburban streets.

Abrial, in reverie, chuckles to herself at a private joke: Underneath the minimal coverage of that yellow bat emblazoned on the crotch of her tawdry little stripper bathing suit, does Vampirella shave her pubes similarly into a tiny bat silhouette? Would Vampirella nick her privates doing that, as a normal vampiress, casting no reflection? Or would she only enjoy the pain?

Gazing in the mirror, would Vampirella admire the crimson one piece thong, floating there in mid air? Suddenly Abrial gasps in fright, as Leong Naja, still winding about Abrial under her habit, and grown impatient with Abrial's snarky thoughts, quickly tightens his grip, sharply squeezing the life breath out of her!

There is a snap, as Abrial falls to her knees, rubs her neck with approval, and smiles in relief, yawning. Stress making me catty! Patience, your time will come, Leong Naja coiled about under her habit, assures jilted Abrial, exhausted and worn. Abrial plops down for a snooze in the the back of a nearby pickup truck, Leong Naja coiled under her back as he shields her face from the sun with his great cobra hood. 

Menwhile on the sidewalk in front of the kindergarten, Adam observes the little Princess Tutu shouting after departing Vampirella: "Take me with you, Elvira!" - the sound fades away on the wind for Vampirella, roaring out from suburbia on her Harley onto the open road. Adam, tailing Vampirella, through his binoculars, watches as Vampirella makes new friends. What fun! Damn, I'm made. As Vampirella rids off again, Adam contemplates taking a fresh approach... 

Cut back to Vampirella on the road: Soon enough, Vampirella finally succumbs to exhaustion and highway hypnosis. In the dream, Vampirellas flashes back, to being pulled from the wreckage of the spacecraft in the wilderness, and spirited off to a remote clinic for emergency surgery. Her wings are broken and hemorrhaging. There is no other remedy but amputation. Cut to: "I can still feel them." weeps Vampirella, sitting up in bed, gradually becoming aware of her doctor's astonishment, as emanating through the bandages on her back, phantom batwings emerge and solidify!

Then Vamparella dreams of struggle with Hentai-BemSothoth, deep in the bowels of the Earth, in a vast rumbling magma chamber.

The housemaids are also there, ensnared and violated in the pulsing tentacles, exploding with vile spawn from their quickly bloated belies. Vampirella catches several of them in her fangs, and gobbles them down without thinking, even whilst struggling with the massive tentacles, slaying Hentai-BemSothoth, and in the process denuded of all but her boots, jewelry and the little white collar and ring clasp of her outfit.

Next Vampirella finds herself standing over a mermaid, torn at the throat, flopping like a fish out of water and drenched in her own blood, on the dungeon floor of Castle Amphortas. With her fingers, Vampirella paints the pattern of her costume over her naked body, using the copiously gushing and viscous blood. Next Vampirella is clawing her way up and out from the soil, out on the the surface, her breath steaming in the chill night air.

Abiel is there, but before she can speak to Vampirella, Abriel is attacked, incinerated, by a flaming skeleton erupting from the very soil! Then the heaven open and the rain comes pouring down, washing away the blood and gore, the ashes too.

A spot light suddenly clicks on upon Lilith: "I am Lilith. I am the either, dark and mysterious. I called out to the lonely imagination of Adam in the Garden of Eden, and became manifest. For in his innocence he still shared in the power of creation.

But I am a willful woman, unwilling to submit to blood ruddy Man, and Eden had no place for me. God banished me, plagiarizing my design to create Eve, fair and submissive." *

*Referencing the classic Weird Tales story. [citation needed]

God is there, as always, portrayed by a well dressed distinguished actor. God: "Of all my angels that I set to work in the design of every creature, I needed you for the invention of woman, Lilith." "And my reward was to be cast out." "Did I single you out? Adam and Eve soon followed." "But I was jealous and resentful. From out of the dark, I slew their issue in the very crib. Infants all dying in horror!" "A tragic accident." "Oh Lord, you know better."

"Behold, Lilith, the work of Creation is never done." Lights rise revealing a great spider web on a loom, with Satyr and Circe still hard at work.

The web curves inward, yawning like the mouth of a cave, into a wormhole, with spatial curvature, containing vast expanse within its narrow skein.

And at the center is Spiderella, the roadside dancer on the rain, laughing, pirouetting En Pointe and capering like a satyr, spinning off the rain droplets into web strands out into infinity!  

Vampirella watches raptly, through a beautiful antique full length mirror, that falls flat on the floor. And when Vampirella, in rapt fascination, crawls out onto the glass, it gives way and she falls, tumbling into the stormswept tableau within! 

"What do you think of my experiment in Applied Teleology of karmic retro-causality? -Not just foreknowledge of the future, but quantum afterthoughts setting right what one went wrong. I forgive all who ask, and for you I offer a very special redemption. I assure you most emphatically, Lilith my child, that you only reached out to their minds in tenderness, and in loving curiosity, and in response, they rose free of their little bodies, straight to my bosom. See here and here. Just change the motivation, and the same tragic results are preserved, though at all less traumatically and with no tangle of paradox. I take the sin of my own carelessness in the entire matter. Go ahead." "I can't." "Why are you all so hard on yourselves!"

"Is this why I am manifest by Thee, oh Lord?"

"Tonight you are manifest not by me. Behold, your daughter, the issue of your angry blood, still ever locked in heart struggle with Adam, the vampire Ella! It is she draws you here tonight, Lilith."

"Momma, Momma!" cries Vampirella, plaintively. "I am tired and confused. I am losing concentration!" Lilith disintegrates and scatters to the winds as Vampirella rushes to embrace her. "Why must you toy with us all so!" demands Vampirella of God, who replies: "Still no one understands me." And then He is gone.

The ensuing thunder and lightening illuminate a sky actually scrawled with eldritch runes, Arcanum and yet again those mathematical formulae, resolving into the legend: "Who are the pollinators of Eden?"

 

Vampirella is shocked awake just in time to pull short and skid to a halt at a roadblock. Vampirella is bemused to discover the screen of confessional both standing right in the middle of the crossroad. "How opportune. Am I still dreaming?" Peering behind, Vampirella discovers none other than Adam Vanhelsing waiting patiently.

 

 

 

Vampirella  genuflects and prostrates herself languidly upon an upholstered kneeler, pressing breathlessly up to the screen:

 

"You? Really?" "I trained for this in Seminary. I can be most reassuring.

 

 

 

 

Vampirella composes herself: "Bless me or damn me, but I my sin weighs ever more down upon me: I never escaped from the mermaids that easily," confesses Vampirella."They only wanted me to stay and sport with them, and play forever in their shimmering coral gardens. They beguiled, they vexed and agitated, spurned, they obstructed, they grasped and dragged me down, until, drowning I finally lashed out and went right for the jugular!"

"We all went berserk! I fed on so many of them. The seas ran red. The sharks frenzied. Then the orcas feasted on the sharks. By then I had taken my bat form. I even shaped myself more and more like a great manta ray. But no matter how I trued, I simply couldn't form gills.

   "I got the oxygen I needed from the blood of the merfolk, but I drank too much sea water and passed out. I was surely done for. But I awoke back in the shallows on the beach, safe and sound.

  

Vampirella continues: "In gratitude I set to work with my grimoire."

Vampirella rises to retrieve the plushy Necronomicon from the saddlebags of her Harley, and zips open the the Velcro of the hidden pockets, revealing the contents concealed within:

"The scroll I purloined from Shangri-La, the equations I worked out with the top secret professor, and yes, the digital photos I took in the sunken ruins saved here in my PDA.

   "The printer burst into flame when I tried to get hard copy of the vile images. I didn't try it again. Even the ancient cipher device you call: Grail.

 

It was always meant for me. It appeared to me, came back in time into my hands when I wanted it. But that only meant that I still had to recover it, in order to close the loop and forestall paradox.

 

   "Surely the merfolk knew therefore that I was inexorably on a path to cross with Hentai-BemSothoth, and considered their vengeance well predestined."

"You had foreknowledge, Vampirella?" queries Adam. "Guesses, distorted intimation. It's safe to look, Adam, sorry: Father, if you focus only upon the highlighted passages" explains Vampirella. Nevertheless, Adam glimpses, stitched into the scroll, the map of Aghartha. "You worked in the old tongue, surmises Adam the father confessor. You poured out your grateful heart into song." "Yes Father, replies Vampirella, and she came, she came when I called out to her! We embraced in tears of joy. Then she collapsed into a bloody heap, the business end of a rusty old harpoon sticking out of her back. So I reached for the Holly Grail, but it had already slipped away back into the future. I cursed God!

  "Then, with Devil codices and Neconomicon pages still in hand, I let out a deadly malediction of the kind you can never take back!"

"No, Vampirella, you are wrong!" "Am I?" "God never burdens us more than we can bear up." "I called down a thunder strike deep into the ocean" insists Vampirella, sharply. "Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord!" rebuts the priest, firmly. "Mine to repay! Not you, not me." Vampirella bolts to her feet: "Father Adam, tell me I beg of you: what is my penance?" "You are doing your penance, child of Lilith." he replies.

Vampirella rises and strides away from the confessional. "You have not asked for absolution" declares Adam, stepping out from behind the screen to follow after Vampirella.

But Vampirella can only answer with a penetrating countenance of despair, as she mounts her Harley Davidson once again. "Platitude upon platitude!" she mutters to herself...

 

Inside the plushy Necronomicon, along with the half sized laptop, the handheld, the scroll and loose leaf folio, Adam could distinguish all along by touch the bell and stem of a communion cup, that tingled with warmth, the Holy Grail protecting him as his eyes stared into the abyss of dark incantation.

At long last, The Grail was his along with the rest of the collection, the good with the bad, like hope at the bottom of Pandora's box, by valorous cunning against the born enemy of God. Thus does Adam imagine himself hailed as the hero of Christendom! Never mind the trust of the confessional. Never mind his own mixed mindedness. All he need do is to tell himself such excuses and hold his tongue but a moment!

Yet Adam flushes with bitter shame as in his mind eye he beholds little old Catholic matrons and widows, turning up their noses, turning their backs, and retreating from his confessional in their droves, while Vampirella sits downcast in the pews, weeping. Baruch Ha Shem, but these Yentas know everything! Christ in Heave4n! This is too much! Oh Lord, don't test me, guide me! "The Grail will never truly be yours." breaths Adam. "It has always been mine." replies Vampirella. "The Grail will never serve you." "It never has. But it calls to me." "Do you answer that call with dark arts?" "In the darkness, I test myself before God. Same as you. When your keys are lost, they are no more likely to be found under the street light, only more comfortable to begin searching there." "What then was your first lesson upon receiving that package from the Whispering castle?" "That I owe Clark Kent an apology." "A silly riddle?" queries Adan, staring down at his shoes. "How far better to look at me" replies Vampitella from behind the screen, "and think of your shoes, Rabi Monsignor !" Adam rises and steps out from behind the confessional screen to look Vampirella straight in the eye: "Smart and funny. But you have the advantage." "What student of Qabala has not heard of you, Monsignor Rabi Adam van Helsing? What's a nice Jewish boy... ? The original Jew for Jesus! What are you doing here" "Getting too comfortable." confesses Adam. "Vampirella!" shouts Adam, after such and eternity of an instant, tossing back the plushy Necronomicon. "Well for God's sake, I don't want it!"

"It was Dracula," demands Vampirella riding off, "wasn't it!" The image conjured and burned into Vampirella's mind, of Draculla, in sadistic glee, standing out upon the coral shoals amid the stormy sea, having just harpooned the agonized good little mermaid right in the back.

Voice over, Conrad Van Helsing: "Beware Vasmpirella, for as the saying goes, when plotting vengeance, dig two graves, the extra one for yourself. All the worse, that the graves only spawn fresh horrors.

   "Inaccurate rumors how Vampirella had lost the Grail in the woods of the now ruined Whispering Castle, disseminated amongst the fairy folk. For those with the wit to percieve Spiderella's unfortunate prank of webbing the Grail to the back of Vampirella's head, where crafty enough to keep it to themselves and bide time. Therefore, Vampirella knew that Dracula and his minions must return, eager to scour every corner of the grounds, and that they would abide in the conveniently situated crypts of the castle grave yard."

   "There she sought out the fiend Count Dracula for a final reckoning."

Cut to: A blond young woman in jeans and a tea shirt lies face down and unconscious at in the graveyard of the ruined Castle Amfortas at night. In her hand is a stake. Vampirella grabs the stake and fends off a deadly trio of attacking vampires. As the vampires flee, Dracula appears, dramatically barring Vampirella from giving chase.

"Careful, I bite!" warns Vampirella, as Adam Van Helsing also arrives, hesitantly making stand with Vampirella in most uneasy alliance. "You killed her!" accuses Vampirella of Dracula. "Yes, it was me: I pierced her through the breast like Dan Cupid! But she gave me no choice!" objects Dracula. "What?!" demands Vampirella.

"Shall I regale you of my first sojourn to Isle of Britain?" "Everyone knows" replies Vampirella, "of the ship that sailed in and ran aground, all on it's own, after you had fed upon the entire crew." "Yes, thank you Braham Stoker!" interrupts Dracula. "Well, Vampirella, I have you know that so discretely torn out from the good Captain's log where the pages bearing dramatic account of how that good little mermaid pest, came to their aid against me. Imagine! Oh, she was resourceful. She had fashioned for herself a vest of sea sponges neatly sewn together with strands of her own hair, to keep wet and breathing comfortably, even while shipboard. And she was strong! She had ingeniously worked out the movement of the North American rattlesnake, how you say: the sidewinder, for locomotion on deck, standing proud and tall on her great thrashing tail! With her help, the redoubtable crew of the Demeter had me cornered with stake and cross. Yes, she had discovered Christ, of all things. Buddha and Mohamed too. So in every hallowed name burning upon my honeyed tongue, I begged her to spare me, and promised her anything ever her heart should desire, any time she asked, just like the genie of the lamp."

"Foul corruptor!" spits Vampirella. "And how far did sweet reason get you, when Amphortas had you in a similar compromising position, Vampirella? -Well, so many different fetching positions, as I recall. What a sight to see! Vampirella, Vampirella, before abandoning the redoubtable crew of the good ship Demeter to my tender mercies, your sweet scaly goody two shoes merwench made me swear on the Styx! I had all forgotten the faithful oath, when at long last she summoned me to honor our bargain. I tell you I had no choice, Vampirella. I never lie." 

Dracula sums up: "So now you know the truth of how she earned the contempt of her own kind and made herself outcast. And after all the centuries of lonely Good Samaritan atonement, she still called due my debt at long last. And what do you suppose she finally wanted? Why, I had to make you love her forever, whatever means should that require and at any cost." "Her violent death agony the key to my heart?" demands Vampirella. "Poor, poor, Vampirella, stranded upon a world where the only food flows in human veins, and her only kindred are the predatory risen dead. Pine why don't you, Vampirella, for lost Drakulon!" "Mock my suffering while you can, monster." seethes Vampirella. "Vampirella, think: Drakulon is a dump! We hated the place! Couldn't escape quickly enough! You never loved it till you lost it!" Vampirella is stricken and then disgusted: "Don't think you truly know me. You are from Transylvania, Dracula. Not Drakulon!" "I have been many people in different times and places, Vampirella" explains Dracula patiently, "as have we all. When first I saw you on Earth, I remembered. It all came back clearly. I am only disappointed you don't remember me, Vampi dear." "I went berserk and murdered her kin. But she saved me without hesitation. For this, she died in my arms, died at your hand, monster! Could it have been you that I fled from Drakulon?" wails Vampirella, "What sort of fond memories should I ever cherish of the likes of you? Are you Narcissistic and depraved beyond all ordinary lucidity?" "I granted her wish. She died happy! Raptured! Blissful!" retorts Dracula. "I took great pains, and saw to that for the both of you, so glorious a privilege by Heaven so long denied to me!"

With this, Vampirella can hear no more, and hurls herself at Dracula. Before the very eyes of Adam Van Helsing, they do battle and give no quarter. "What fire! What audacity." "What craven desperation. We where starving! To my eternal shame, I took flight to find a place where our food courses through the very veins of the population. For leading you here, I shall atone by your eradication!" "Many expeditions tried to follow you, but none where ever heard from again." "So you took our last desperate resort, Plan Nine." "Yes, meditation and fasting unto death, one by one, to reincarnate back in time in another world, this one, before our enemies where even born! Then we learned to cling to our new bodies even after death, reawakening our dimly remembered bloodthirst and powers. We regrouped from the four corners of this world, to forge our place in it's bounty! And now, you have arrived, restored to us at long last, dearest precious Vampire Ella:"

 

 

 

Finally, Dracula disengages in order to beat a hasty retreat, cursing loudly: "You pathetic softhearted excuse for a vampire!" Vampirella, in hot pursuit, trips and stumbles into the vampires' nest in a dark and dank crypt all grown through in a tangle of tree roots.

 

The resting vampires awaken and flee, together with Dracula all of them dispersing like the very moonlit shadows!

 

 

"Too bad about Penny, Vampi, now she was fun!" calls out one of the departing vampires, even as the Leather Nuns swarm into the graveyard of the ruined Whispering Castle, in  support of their Paladin Commander, Adam Van Helsing, together converging upon the crypt. Adam rushes in, just as Vampirella, still tumbling, stumbles backward into an open coffin. The stake flies out of her hand! Vampirella, frightened and breathless, raising her arms defensively, batting her big hazel eyes and perfect lashes, gazes up at Adam standing over her with the stake in hand, and once again locked in hesitation.

 

"I drank her blood!" confesses Vampirella. In her mind, Vampirella relives cradling the broken and battered good little mermaid in her arms, last embers of life fading. The good little mermaid bravely flashes her most ravishing smile, and tilts back her weary head, baring her neck to Vampirella. The good little mermaid shudders with delight as Vampirella's fangs pierce her pale flesh and find her throbbing jugular. "I took delight in beguiling the surrender into oblivion, of of another living soul, love consummated in parting forever. I know her intimately. I consumed her very soul. I lived down to everything I revile and dedicate myself to destroy. As for fighting any sort of good fight, even Count Dracula loves to play the hero now and again. The Demeter was a slave ship, transporting Rumanian abductees, barely out of childhood, to the brothels of Europe. Count Dracula liberated them in port, before the Demeter set sail. That is why he was spared. But she took his bribe. The mermaid turned upon the crew of the Demeter when she came upon the evidence, the chains rusty with blood. All this I learned as her life flashed before my eyes, but only made sense of it just now."